Saturday, October 23, 2004

Update 102304

K so ... I am at work and it is not that busy this morning (knock on wood) so what have I been doing recently.... here is the list:
1. working
2. going to school (and I dropped that class... which I think is a good thing cause I was just doing too much.. now I have two classes and my work schedule is about to change I think so that I will be working 6am-2pm with MW off for school til the semester gets out... here's hoping... cross your fingers)
3. singing (missing chorus shoes by the way... and earrings because they were in that shoe box... even called the ex to see if I left them over there but he did not return the call so I think that is a no... which is a good thing because I really didn't want to talk to him and I had to become frantic in order to actually call in the first place)
4. swing dancing (it was soo much fun... a bunch of people showed up, even Jeremy who now lives in New Mexico)
5. listening to people talk about political things til 3am on a Thursday night
6. going to the movies (I have now seen Team America and Shaun of the Dead)
7. meeting new people (I met a bunch of Tony's family last night and I am meeting Mark's Dad today... oh and I met a new swing dancer named Peter... he just moved here a week ago)
8. listening to a loud band called Slow Children late at night at an Italian restaurant/bar with a bunch of swing dancers
Its been in interesting week =D

Monday, October 18, 2004

something to think about...

Ok so I go this in my email and normally I just delete stuff but I thought this was kinda cool...

Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
The only reason someone would hate you is because they want to be just like you.
There are at least 2 people in this world that would die for you.
You mean the world to someone.
Someone that you dont even know exists loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look again.
Always remember the compliments you received.
Forget the rude remarks.

Sunday, October 17, 2004


ok so last night I got home at about 6pm and by the time I reached my room I was so tired that I just pulled all my restrictive clothes off and got into bed. I fell asleep and then at about 12am my phone started ringing. I got up... turned the ringer off... and then went back to bed. The next time I woke up it was 6:15 in the morning and I had to be to work by 7. Why? why did I have to be rushed after that? no shower... catching every red light... totally not cool. Anyways so now after work (I was supposed to have today off but they needed me in the morning so I am only working til 11) I have to run home, take a shower, and then call to find out how to get to the front row rehearsal site since we couldn't get the 24hr fitness place this time. vida loca. (thats like one of the only things I know in spanish.... never took it... kinda don't want to either but probably will have to at some point grrr...) Anyway, I think I have heard that story before (see comments on "And So It Goes") I'm not sure that I am completely closed off ... I have just become incredibly picky and I look for everything that could go wrong... and then I get attracted to people that I know its not an option with ... because it seems to be easier if I can put the romantic stuff in my life in a place in my head where it is taken care of but easily forgettable so I don't have to worry about it. I think I liked the long distance thing with my ex a little too much. Sure I wanted to see him... but I was also able to go out and do what I wanted without worrying about him ya know? And I didn't feel like I wasn't spending enough time with him because it wasn't an option anyway... plus it was easier to have my own little life full of people and things he didn't know. I liked that... I also liked when my high school boyfriend and I had all these things we could do together because we were in the same activities as well so I guess its a trade-off... you have to have your own thing to keep your sense of self ... but you also have to have those things you do together that keeps you bonded and connected in a way that is unique to only the two of you... kinda like what sex does... creates a unique connection between two people that goes deeper than any conversation can. Then again I have some people that I feel very connected to in a way that surprises me and it is based soley on conversation... but its not the same thing as a romantic relationship... even if I love them it is not the romantic love that creates family members. I think that the latin speakers had it right with all their different words for love.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

New Song

This is a song that I keep listening to over and over again even though I am not a man (you will see what I mean in the lyrics) ... I really like it. You can take it one of two ways... but I like the line "why can't I fall in love.... till I don't give a damn.. and maybe then I'll see what kind of fool I am" Ok so here goes:

In this game of love
there is only me
I have wasted all my life
I was lost but now I see
what kind of fool am I
who never fell in love
it seems that I'm the only one that i have been thinking of
what kind of man is this
an empty shell
a lonely cell in which an empty heart must dwell
what kind of lips are these
that lied with every kiss
that whispered empty words of love that left me alone like this
why can't I fall in love
like any other man
and maybe then I'll know what kind of fool I am
what kind of clown am I
what do I know of life
why can't I cast away the mask of play and live my life
why can't I fall in love
til I dont give a damn
and maybe then I'll know
what kind of fool
I am

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Life's goals?

Ok so I am thinking of dropping a class... because I'm not really into it so I just tend to not go... which is bad. My life has recently taken a turn back to the world of the arts... I need to regain the motivation I had before and FINISH SCHOOL!!! But right now all I want to do is sing. Thats really all I can remember ever truely wanting to do... well, thats not completely accurate. I used to make up dance routines for me and my sister when I was younger... starting at the age of 4... I can remember doing it back then, who knows when I actually started. But I have always sung. I sang with my dad, with his chorus, with the radio, with the tapes... I knew every line to every song... according to my dad I knew the chorus songs better than the guys singing them did... and according to one of my dad's old friends that I know sing with occasionally in a doo wop group, I used to correct his quartet when they missed notes. Wow... so young... yet so much knowledge... where did it all go? Have I met my max capacity for information? HA! Not even close. I will be brilliant... I will be awesome.. I will do great things... even if its all in my head. At least I have a few people who cheer me on and make me feel like my big dreams aren't really that far away. But who knows... you always wonder if they are biased... well, you know my dad is =D K well, time to go sing!!!

Monday, October 04, 2004

And So It Goes

I am listening to the most gut-wrenchingly wonderful song ever right now. Everytime I hear it I cry, and that never happens to me. So I have put it on repeat to get me de-sensitized. Anything that makes me that emotional is dangerous. So far, all it ever brings me is heartache. I like strong ties to those few who I know I can trust, but I never give them everything. Whenever I do, they dissapoint me... and I can't handle that. I can't stand to lose the few people in my life that I actually enjoy and completely get and accept. Family doesn't count because mine is weird anyway, but you chose your friends and for me... there have been few people out there that I have truely cared completely about and have always enjoyed. Then again it is rare for me to find anyone who can have a phone conversation with me and "get" everything I say. They all move away too. Or live other places. But to me, this song makes me think of the past, of the one, and of the future.

In every heart there is a room
a sanctuary safe and strong
to heal the wounds from lovers past
until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
you answered me with no pretense
and still I feel I've said too much
my silence is my self defense
and everytime I"ve held a rose
it seems I only felt the thorns
and so it goes and so it goes
and so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
then that would be my worst mistake
so I will share this room with you
and you can have this heart to break
and this is why my eyes are closed
its just as well for all I've seen
and so it goes and so it goes
and your the only one who knows
so I would choose to be with you
thats if the choice were mine to make
but you can make decisions too
and you can have this heart to break
and so it goes and so it goes
and your the only one who knows