Sunday, January 30, 2005

Where to live

OK so I need ideas as to where I should go. I wanna move... but I have to finish school of course. I am so sick of Vegas. I need to get out of here. It is a transient town and I keep going for the passer bys that have more personality, drive, life, and soul than any Vegas people I know. All the cool ones out here are from other places too . and they all move back to where they came from. This is not limited to relationships ... my best friends all moved as well. Zach is cool.... no responsibilities... just driving from place to place. He said I could come with him, but I can't do that. I just started this semester and I have a job and need a car soon when Heather gets out and I have people who rely on me in chorus and the quartet. I just don't want it anymore. Stage fright? HA! I never really had it in the first place but now that I just don't care... no stage fright what so ever. I finally get all the things I want.... a guy I really like and can respect where things just keep getting better... the AM shift at work with weekends off a near future possibility... to be a pinup on Lindy Hop (I am Febuary of this year)... to go back to school and finish... to be cool with my swing dance friends again... to be in a good quartet and be good at singing barbershop... to be the best in my front row... I have accomplished all these things... and now they are all going to go away. The guy is moving away, I don't have weekends off yet, in fact I have split days off this week, I haven't seen the pinups yet and it is only a day away from showing up on the website, I think I might be taking a class I have taken before and I should have taken one more class this semester so I would be that much closer to finishing.. the swing group seems to be migrating in a weird way... new people and people moving... my quartet doesn't seem to be getting any better and the chorus is seriously dragging and its just not fun anymore... I feel like I have reached a plateau. AND it would be different if I actually could use my know how but no I am "too young" and I am 24. The problem is I started the chorus at 17 and they still see me as 17. I don't know what to do right now. I could transfer somewhere but then it would take me even longer to finish, but I might actually learn something. UNLV sucks. I could go to grad school somewhere but I would have to decide what I wanted a degree in. I could just move and work in a coffee shop somewhere but I would just be at square one. I need to live completely on my own and find real people that I can count on. And then maybe someday I will get to fall in love again, this time with someone who truely loves me back. Someone I can actually trust.. and then that person would be number 3 on the list of people I actually trust. Someone I can trust my feelings with too. Damn I feel so pathetic right now. Thats what happens I guess... makes me wonder why I keep trying and why I think I will try again. blah. I gotta go.

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