Monday, December 27, 2004

Holiday Seasoned

Merry Christmas late!!!

It was a nice quiet Christmas... all of my siblings are not around right now so it ended up being Mom Gary me and Peter. We did the Present thing and the Dinner thing and Stocking thing and then we did the movie thing. We saw Lemony Snickett's A Series of Unfortunate Events. I don't think that people are going to get the setup of that movie quite as well if they have not read any of the books. Granted they are written for eight year olds but I read the first two when they got popular just to see what they were all about.

Tonight I am going to go out for my birthday (even though that was 12 days ago, its just so hard to plan anything around this time) we are going to go to the Piano Bar in the NYNY... otherwise known as the Bar at Times Square. They have dueling pianos there and people get drunk and sing along. I have always wanted to go there but never have. I hope that there are plenty of people there tonight... it would be fun with a crowd.

I have New Years Eve and Day off from work so that means I can actually do something cool for New Years. I am not sure what though. Peter wants to do the strip thing cause he just moved here and I have never done the strip thing but I am not sure I want to. I don't want to get stuck there I don't want to have to worry about driving or any of that. I want to go to a party where I can not think about things like designated drivers and I can just crash. hmm... I wonder how I could do both. I know that if we got to the strip we have to stay there until after the turning of the year. My parents are having a party and they invited me to invite my friends as well but I don't think all those people are going to fit into that house. bah. I'll tell ya what happens later.

Friday, December 24, 2004

give it up you wimp

ok so I think that I am just going to say screw it and let the other blog I have (not telling) be the incognito one cause thats where all the tricky stuff goes anyway. So now that I am no longer "hidden" or whatever it doesn't matter to me as much if I post pics. So I might do that ... but for now... I will just link up my shutterfly albums and my acct. when I get to it.
Ok so I accidentally ran across an old bf's webpage... cause he is on blogger and still lists barbershop as a style of music he likes... and since there are so few of us out here on the internet these days of course his name just popped right out at me. Weird huh? Anyways, it just goes to show you how life moves on with or without you. I'm glad he's happy and doing the whole domestic thing. Thats cool. Alright so I was going to post Patrick's other term paper and I had not done that yet so that is what I will do right now.
PATRICKS PAPER with his speech included

"Okay, last time. After coming to the conclusion that I wasn't going to get a good grade in this Feminist Psych class regardless of how good this paper was, I woke up this morning and wrote my last paper for it. Yes I'm pig-headed, but like all pig-headed sorts I'm quite sure I'm right. So here's my paper, it's not quite what was asked for and I'm pretty sure it's "below threshold" but I'm actually kind of pleased with it. I titled it "M is for Metaphor". Without further ado..." -Patrick

Firstly, let me apologize in advance. This is not a college paper.
I was standing in a high school gym, a man with iron grey hair and the strength of sorrow was handing out half-sheets of paper to people, to the people who were supposed to get a message. I was walking slowly towards him as he was loudly calling directions to the group of people who were picking up their papers, and he looked up at me and pointed. He pointed with his whole arm straight and his fingers partly open, like someone who’s accustomed to directing a crowd, and he called something out to me, I saw his lips move and I remember his rough, brisk voice but I don’t recall the words.

I was standing on a sidewalk at dusk, in a city, at the base of a tall building with someone important at the top, someone so important he didn’t even need to be mentioned. I was seeing as if through a video camera lens, and standing behind a square-jawed, clean-shaven white cop and his buddy. They were kneeling and practicing restraint techniques on a suspect. The one cop stood up with his hands in the air and his buddy called out his time and congratulated him, I looked down and a small fellow had been hog-tied into a bundle with something stuffed into his mouth to keep him quiet. I looked down the street to my left, and in the failing light of evening there was a single prison cell, built like a human-sized dog kennel made of black iron. A man in uniform was playing in it like a jungle gym, doing pull-ups to the encouragement of voices I could hear but not see. Further down the block were two more law officials, one had a machine gun and a grin, and he was making gestures pretending he was shooting. His pal egged him on, and the man did. He fired across the street, across three lanes of late evening traffic, of normal people going to normal places with normal lives. The first car through, a smallish SUV, kept driving and escaped harm. A second car screeched to a halt causing several cars to smash into a pileup behind it. A small blue car tried to follow the example of the first, accelerating through the stream of bullets, with no success. The bits of metal tore through car and driver, and my view followed this car as it careened into two parked cars on the far side of the road. I watched to see if anyone would get out, and heard the gun still firing. My view was diverted by another SUV that had been hit, which swerved around the corner. Cars stopped in chaos and drivers got out, and it seemed the gun had spread to other people, like a disease but one at a time. Normal men and women, who had been going normal places with normal lives. It appeared in another persons hands, and then jumped to another, and each kept the trigger pulled and bullets kept spraying everywhere until everyone had been hit and even still the gun kept travelling from hand to hand. Everyone was dying and the last fellow with the gun, the man with iron grey hair, curling up around his gut-wound as he died, kept the trigger pulled because it wasn’t really a choice it was just what one did when one had the gun. There was no reason for it except for the first man who had pulled the trigger and the man at the top of the building who had authorized it, and I cried. I cried alone amidst the dying men and women, in the full darkness of night through the morning. Crying because it seemed nothing could be done by the last one living, the last man on the sidewalk under a tall building with someone important at the top, someone so important he didn’t even need to be mentioned.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Singin and stuff

yesterday Peter and I sang together for the first time. He is an AWESOME singer but he sings SATB stuff not barbershop like me. I learned one of his songs so that we could sing together. He said that I have an awesome ear and later I heard him tell someone on the phone that I learned the song faster than the sopranos in his old choral group. We are forming a quartet that does his type of music and I will be singing alto. Its kinda cool because I have never done this kind of music before. At the same time it sounds weird to me. The songs are funny or in another language. I am used to having a story line in my music and singing in english. Actually, these two types of music are so different that I haveto sing differently to make it work because I'll tell you.. I am a very good barbershop singer. I have a lot of experience and several higher ups in the business stroking my ego. Pretty cool huh? I think so.. I have worked to get to this point and it is very important to me. Anyways, so my dad got me a keyboard for my birthday and I am starting to learn some theory stuff and this music thing is taking a whole new road for me.

In other news... I still have not gone out for my birthday. It is just too hard to plan something around sing outs and Christmas parties and work and Christmas and New Years and people visiting. So it looks like January. Oh well. At least I am trying to do something for it cause I rarely get to. I went out to dinner with Peter Mom and Gary. That was cool. And Pirate Tony and I went to Disneyland and saw my dad. That was cool too. After New Years my life is going to get crazy. Work is going to be nuts for the next three or four months (all the conventions in town) plus we are going into competition mode with the quartet and chorus (well, hosting mode with the chorus but we are getting ready for international again) and I will be in school. mi vida loca. Lets see how well I do huh? =D blah. Oh and I have to buy a car and find a place in the next 5 months. (my sis gets out of jail so I have to hand over the car I have been paying on and my mom and gary are moving to HI for a year... but its time to get out again anyway) Peter just got a job tutoring math and physics and chem that will pay him well and has as of yesterday made him very happy. So thats good for him. Well, I am still trying to figure this picture thing out so those posts will come later. bye for now.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Fathering and Feminism

This was sent to me by one of my bestest friends and I thought it was really good so I am posting it...

Post-Midterm paper: Fathering and Feminism

The question posed is Why is fathering a feminist issue, and the first thing that comes to mind is that perhaps the phrasing is reversed. Fathering is such a fundamental element of this society that few if any lives could be considered unaffected by it. Because of this, it could be said to be a feminist issue in the same fashion that it could be said to be an issue concerning any other aspect of society, but it might be more appropriate to ask how feminism is affected by the issue of fathering.

The reason that improper fathering can be felt so intensely by the feminist community is because the male and female genders are not independent of one another. The glaring lack of understanding of the male psyche that causes strife in the male population has repercussions and manifestations which are felt directly by the female population. Unfortunately, as much as feminism has advanced since its humble beginnings, women cannot help men to understand themselves except indirectly, by acting in a fashion which presents a mirror to show to men who are willing to see it.

Beyond that, it is the responsibility of the man who is aware of the current state of affairs to educate himself about the true nature of his own psyche and apply that education to living as an example, as well as more directly educating others. It is clear that previous examples and standards of manhood are obsolete, and while feminism has had long overdue successes in raising the societal awareness of womens lives it has also made headway in changing the acceptable societal roles for women. In doing so, many of the roles in which men are traditionally necessary are losing their gender specificity, and men are beginning to realize that the roles they were socially conditioned to fit into are being called into question. In stark contrast there is the degree to which males are socially prohibited from playing any other role, thus disenfranchising males who have sufficient awareness to perceive their social standing. This can cause a variety of reactions, from Conservatist backlash where males try to reinforce their social standing and "keep women in their place", to Liberal sycophants who emasculate themselves in hopes of pleasing the women in their lives.

As with anything, there are three sides to any situation, yours, mine, and the truth. There is a third reaction amongst males when the societal imbalances become clear. They know that Conservatism opposes change, and to refuse to adapt follows the way of the dinosaurs. They see that jumping on the feminist bandwagon is also shortsighted, because while feminism must be supported, equality cannot be achieved if both sides are not equally researched and developed.

This third reaction, the "Third Man" if you will, sees that the roles of women are changing, and that once change has begun it cannot be stopped, and that for the change to run its course men must change in accordance with the world around them. How this affects the concept of fatherhood is fundamental. Women are traditionally called upon to care for the home and hearth, and are increasingly being allowed to step into realms of politics, war, business, and athletics. Men, who traditionally have been called upon to participate in politics, war, business and athletics, now must relearn how to care for home and hearth. As they begin to carry less demand to play the role of breadwinner etc., the Third Man now has the opportunity to experience the life for which the bread was being won.

At this time, social conditioning is still enforced enough that many men do not feel that they are allowed to step into these traditionally female realms. It can be seen in the media, the majority of commercials which involve a family situation portray men as uncomfortable and incapable, often with their wives saving them from their own ineptitude. But change is in the works, as there are a rare few commercials showing men cooking breakfast for their children. While a few commercials are a fairly minor thing, it is a beginning that can be nurtured, it is a sign that the marketing executives are recognizing the change that is slowly taking place and in a primarily capitalist society, the marketing executives are the forces which shape public opinion on everything from politics to sexual preference.

The more feminism achieves success, the more males will be able to find their own place in this new social dynamic. Feminism has admirably set the stage for the change to occur, all that remains is for the male population to figure out what their new role needs to be. Women around the world are slowly but surely finding where their true strengths lay by looking honestly at what they actually think and feel without regard to what society tells them. Men will not find their strength by denying strength to women, nor will they find it by running with the women who run with the wolves. Only by demonstrating the same courage, to look into their own truth without flinching, by acting in accordance with that truth no matter the sacrifice, only then will we have fathers again.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Update 102304

K so ... I am at work and it is not that busy this morning (knock on wood) so what have I been doing recently.... here is the list:
1. working
2. going to school (and I dropped that class... which I think is a good thing cause I was just doing too much.. now I have two classes and my work schedule is about to change I think so that I will be working 6am-2pm with MW off for school til the semester gets out... here's hoping... cross your fingers)
3. singing (missing chorus shoes by the way... and earrings because they were in that shoe box... even called the ex to see if I left them over there but he did not return the call so I think that is a no... which is a good thing because I really didn't want to talk to him and I had to become frantic in order to actually call in the first place)
4. swing dancing (it was soo much fun... a bunch of people showed up, even Jeremy who now lives in New Mexico)
5. listening to people talk about political things til 3am on a Thursday night
6. going to the movies (I have now seen Team America and Shaun of the Dead)
7. meeting new people (I met a bunch of Tony's family last night and I am meeting Mark's Dad today... oh and I met a new swing dancer named Peter... he just moved here a week ago)
8. listening to a loud band called Slow Children late at night at an Italian restaurant/bar with a bunch of swing dancers
Its been in interesting week =D

Monday, October 18, 2004

something to think about...

Ok so I go this in my email and normally I just delete stuff but I thought this was kinda cool...

Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
The only reason someone would hate you is because they want to be just like you.
There are at least 2 people in this world that would die for you.
You mean the world to someone.
Someone that you dont even know exists loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look again.
Always remember the compliments you received.
Forget the rude remarks.

Sunday, October 17, 2004


ok so last night I got home at about 6pm and by the time I reached my room I was so tired that I just pulled all my restrictive clothes off and got into bed. I fell asleep and then at about 12am my phone started ringing. I got up... turned the ringer off... and then went back to bed. The next time I woke up it was 6:15 in the morning and I had to be to work by 7. Why? why did I have to be rushed after that? no shower... catching every red light... totally not cool. Anyways so now after work (I was supposed to have today off but they needed me in the morning so I am only working til 11) I have to run home, take a shower, and then call to find out how to get to the front row rehearsal site since we couldn't get the 24hr fitness place this time. vida loca. (thats like one of the only things I know in spanish.... never took it... kinda don't want to either but probably will have to at some point grrr...) Anyway, I think I have heard that story before (see comments on "And So It Goes") I'm not sure that I am completely closed off ... I have just become incredibly picky and I look for everything that could go wrong... and then I get attracted to people that I know its not an option with ... because it seems to be easier if I can put the romantic stuff in my life in a place in my head where it is taken care of but easily forgettable so I don't have to worry about it. I think I liked the long distance thing with my ex a little too much. Sure I wanted to see him... but I was also able to go out and do what I wanted without worrying about him ya know? And I didn't feel like I wasn't spending enough time with him because it wasn't an option anyway... plus it was easier to have my own little life full of people and things he didn't know. I liked that... I also liked when my high school boyfriend and I had all these things we could do together because we were in the same activities as well so I guess its a trade-off... you have to have your own thing to keep your sense of self ... but you also have to have those things you do together that keeps you bonded and connected in a way that is unique to only the two of you... kinda like what sex does... creates a unique connection between two people that goes deeper than any conversation can. Then again I have some people that I feel very connected to in a way that surprises me and it is based soley on conversation... but its not the same thing as a romantic relationship... even if I love them it is not the romantic love that creates family members. I think that the latin speakers had it right with all their different words for love.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

New Song

This is a song that I keep listening to over and over again even though I am not a man (you will see what I mean in the lyrics) ... I really like it. You can take it one of two ways... but I like the line "why can't I fall in love.... till I don't give a damn.. and maybe then I'll see what kind of fool I am" Ok so here goes:

In this game of love
there is only me
I have wasted all my life
I was lost but now I see
what kind of fool am I
who never fell in love
it seems that I'm the only one that i have been thinking of
what kind of man is this
an empty shell
a lonely cell in which an empty heart must dwell
what kind of lips are these
that lied with every kiss
that whispered empty words of love that left me alone like this
why can't I fall in love
like any other man
and maybe then I'll know what kind of fool I am
what kind of clown am I
what do I know of life
why can't I cast away the mask of play and live my life
why can't I fall in love
til I dont give a damn
and maybe then I'll know
what kind of fool
I am

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Life's goals?

Ok so I am thinking of dropping a class... because I'm not really into it so I just tend to not go... which is bad. My life has recently taken a turn back to the world of the arts... I need to regain the motivation I had before and FINISH SCHOOL!!! But right now all I want to do is sing. Thats really all I can remember ever truely wanting to do... well, thats not completely accurate. I used to make up dance routines for me and my sister when I was younger... starting at the age of 4... I can remember doing it back then, who knows when I actually started. But I have always sung. I sang with my dad, with his chorus, with the radio, with the tapes... I knew every line to every song... according to my dad I knew the chorus songs better than the guys singing them did... and according to one of my dad's old friends that I know sing with occasionally in a doo wop group, I used to correct his quartet when they missed notes. Wow... so young... yet so much knowledge... where did it all go? Have I met my max capacity for information? HA! Not even close. I will be brilliant... I will be awesome.. I will do great things... even if its all in my head. At least I have a few people who cheer me on and make me feel like my big dreams aren't really that far away. But who knows... you always wonder if they are biased... well, you know my dad is =D K well, time to go sing!!!

Monday, October 04, 2004

And So It Goes

I am listening to the most gut-wrenchingly wonderful song ever right now. Everytime I hear it I cry, and that never happens to me. So I have put it on repeat to get me de-sensitized. Anything that makes me that emotional is dangerous. So far, all it ever brings me is heartache. I like strong ties to those few who I know I can trust, but I never give them everything. Whenever I do, they dissapoint me... and I can't handle that. I can't stand to lose the few people in my life that I actually enjoy and completely get and accept. Family doesn't count because mine is weird anyway, but you chose your friends and for me... there have been few people out there that I have truely cared completely about and have always enjoyed. Then again it is rare for me to find anyone who can have a phone conversation with me and "get" everything I say. They all move away too. Or live other places. But to me, this song makes me think of the past, of the one, and of the future.

In every heart there is a room
a sanctuary safe and strong
to heal the wounds from lovers past
until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
you answered me with no pretense
and still I feel I've said too much
my silence is my self defense
and everytime I"ve held a rose
it seems I only felt the thorns
and so it goes and so it goes
and so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
then that would be my worst mistake
so I will share this room with you
and you can have this heart to break
and this is why my eyes are closed
its just as well for all I've seen
and so it goes and so it goes
and your the only one who knows
so I would choose to be with you
thats if the choice were mine to make
but you can make decisions too
and you can have this heart to break
and so it goes and so it goes
and your the only one who knows

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Hello darkness my old friend...

Have you ever been walking along, minding your own business when bam! A memory of someone or something from your past just hits you? That happened to me yesterday at lunch. I was walking to the table when I was overcome with the memory of someone; a person I had been very close to and all of my senses became overloaded with the memory of him … all of a sudden I was in his arms once again… I could feel his body… smell his shirt… hear his voice… all of the things I thought I would never experience again with this person came flooding back to me and in that moment I realized how much I loved him and I guess never really stopped. It’s been years since I have seen him and quite a while since I have talked with him but when it hits you that strongly, you take notice. Maybe I will run into him again but for now all I have to say is, wherever you are… thank you for one of the happiest times in my life and for introducing me to the world of pure unconditional true love. 9-25-04

Thursday, September 23, 2004

New alarm clock

Is there a higher power involved in waking me up in the morning? For the last week I have been waking up before my alarm clock, completely awake. Have I become psychic in my sleep or does the time continuum thing just get jumbled in my dreams? I find that if I get up when I have been awakened as such, then I have time to get ready in the morning; but if I choose to sleep in until my alarm goes off then I am tired and I end up running late in the morning. Is my brain running on its own accord? Maybe I have a ghost in the house who knows what is best. Or maybe God is intervening because he is tired of me being late.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

To be quoted...

Ever have a thought run through your head that sounds like it could be quoted later on? Or maybe you think you might have heard it somewhere before and it just seems to define you at that moment? I often have these weird one-liners that pop into my head. Maybe I will use them to title my articles or something but for now I am going to keep a list that I will update with time. Here is the first one:

9-21-04 I want to live my life in the arms of love.
9-22-04 (as seen on a backpack in the school elevator library, I thought it was kinda funny)
I have shoes
You have shoes
We have issues


I have thought about doing something like this for a while so I'm glad I found this site. After I have set it all up I will introduce myself