Sunday, October 17, 2004


ok so last night I got home at about 6pm and by the time I reached my room I was so tired that I just pulled all my restrictive clothes off and got into bed. I fell asleep and then at about 12am my phone started ringing. I got up... turned the ringer off... and then went back to bed. The next time I woke up it was 6:15 in the morning and I had to be to work by 7. Why? why did I have to be rushed after that? no shower... catching every red light... totally not cool. Anyways so now after work (I was supposed to have today off but they needed me in the morning so I am only working til 11) I have to run home, take a shower, and then call to find out how to get to the front row rehearsal site since we couldn't get the 24hr fitness place this time. vida loca. (thats like one of the only things I know in spanish.... never took it... kinda don't want to either but probably will have to at some point grrr...) Anyway, I think I have heard that story before (see comments on "And So It Goes") I'm not sure that I am completely closed off ... I have just become incredibly picky and I look for everything that could go wrong... and then I get attracted to people that I know its not an option with ... because it seems to be easier if I can put the romantic stuff in my life in a place in my head where it is taken care of but easily forgettable so I don't have to worry about it. I think I liked the long distance thing with my ex a little too much. Sure I wanted to see him... but I was also able to go out and do what I wanted without worrying about him ya know? And I didn't feel like I wasn't spending enough time with him because it wasn't an option anyway... plus it was easier to have my own little life full of people and things he didn't know. I liked that... I also liked when my high school boyfriend and I had all these things we could do together because we were in the same activities as well so I guess its a trade-off... you have to have your own thing to keep your sense of self ... but you also have to have those things you do together that keeps you bonded and connected in a way that is unique to only the two of you... kinda like what sex does... creates a unique connection between two people that goes deeper than any conversation can. Then again I have some people that I feel very connected to in a way that surprises me and it is based soley on conversation... but its not the same thing as a romantic relationship... even if I love them it is not the romantic love that creates family members. I think that the latin speakers had it right with all their different words for love.

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