Monday, October 04, 2004

And So It Goes

I am listening to the most gut-wrenchingly wonderful song ever right now. Everytime I hear it I cry, and that never happens to me. So I have put it on repeat to get me de-sensitized. Anything that makes me that emotional is dangerous. So far, all it ever brings me is heartache. I like strong ties to those few who I know I can trust, but I never give them everything. Whenever I do, they dissapoint me... and I can't handle that. I can't stand to lose the few people in my life that I actually enjoy and completely get and accept. Family doesn't count because mine is weird anyway, but you chose your friends and for me... there have been few people out there that I have truely cared completely about and have always enjoyed. Then again it is rare for me to find anyone who can have a phone conversation with me and "get" everything I say. They all move away too. Or live other places. But to me, this song makes me think of the past, of the one, and of the future.

In every heart there is a room
a sanctuary safe and strong
to heal the wounds from lovers past
until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
you answered me with no pretense
and still I feel I've said too much
my silence is my self defense
and everytime I"ve held a rose
it seems I only felt the thorns
and so it goes and so it goes
and so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
then that would be my worst mistake
so I will share this room with you
and you can have this heart to break
and this is why my eyes are closed
its just as well for all I've seen
and so it goes and so it goes
and your the only one who knows
so I would choose to be with you
thats if the choice were mine to make
but you can make decisions too
and you can have this heart to break
and so it goes and so it goes
and your the only one who knows


Anonymous said...

I wrote a story once. You're intelligent enough that you may understand, but I'll post the moral of the story as well, for the benefit of any innocent passers by who may have the same problem as you.

Long ago, there was a kingdom. The kingdom had a king, and the king, a daughter. The king loved his daughter with all of his heart, so much so that his love would often cloud his judgement, but he was a good man. When the princess came of age, and it was time for her to marry it was a joyous occasion. Finding a suiter was an easy task, for the Princess was not only brilliant, but she was beautiful. She had short, honey-blonde hair, intense blue eyes, and a mischevious smile. Her intended was a Prince from a far away land. The two met and began courting immediately. They fell deeply in love, and were soon to be wed. However the Prince was called away to a war nearly a week before the day of their wedding. The two said a teary and heart breaking goodbye, but they knew they would see eachother again. Several months passed with no word from the prince. Months turned to a year, a year turned to two, and at last a letter arrived. It was hand written by the prince, with an official seal. He would not be returning home. He offered no explanation, he offered no way to send a reply. The Princess was heart-broken. She commanded her father to build her a tower, so that she could be kept away from all others. She saw this as the only way to keep her heart from being broken once more. The King, because of his overpowering love for his only daughter, agreed to this, but set a condition. He ordered his grandest wizard to enchant a mirror, so that when the Princess gazed into the mirror a shade of herself would be created within the castle. This way she could still walk about the castle, and the king would not have to live life never seeing his daughter. This was how life went for several years. The Princess lived a distant life, locked away in her tower.

One day a Pirate Ship was captured off the cape where the castle was nestled. The Captain of the ship was killed in the capture, so the first mate was being brought to trial. He was a stocky man, with sandy brown hair. He was dragged through the streets of the town, and up to the castle gates. There, he saw the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on. Their eyes met for but a second, and then she turned away, looking rather startled. The Pirate asked, "Hey mate, who's she?" A guard replied, "That's the Princess-" His sentence was cut off by a bone chilling scream. The Pirate looked around for the source, and noticed the woman was gone. He then took note that everyone in the surrounding area was staring, mouth agape, at the tower. They began to shout, "The Princess! Our Princess!" The Pirate was confused, but he knew what he must do. Finding he was no longer held by the guards he bolted to the nearest horse he could find, tied at an inn. He untied the horse, lept on, and began to ride hard in the direction of the tower. The way had not been traveled in years, and it was overgrown, thick with undergrowth and brambles. When he finally arrived both he and the horse were breathless and had been cut by thorns. He lept from the horse and ran in through the gates, which had nearly rotted away with age. He entered nearly total darkness. There was nothing but a spiral staircase, going up along the wall of the tower. The Pirate bolted. He began to notice things on the stairs, they were grotesque...unnatural shadows. Their fingers clawed him, ripped open his flesh. He ran as much out of fear as a desire to reach the top. Finally he reached a door. He tried the knob...locked. He threw his weight against the door...nothing. Again...harder. The shadows were clinging to him now. He could feel death upon him. One more time he flung himself at the door. It burst open. He saw her, the angel he had seen at the castle, she was backed against a wall, the shadows around her creeping in. He ran to her with everything he had, breaking free of the shadows, pushing throgh the shades that surrounded the Princess. He Embraced her. Light, splendid and glorius light burst forth from the two. Small at first, then stronger. Finally brilliant, like the light of the sun itself, banishing the darkness. The light faded, and the two stood alone. Indeed, they lived happily ever after.

That wasn't the story I wrote a couple years ago, I typed it from memory, and it ended up being a completely different story, but it serves the same purpose. Living, without letting people in, only invites lonliness. Subsequently, you should let someone in once in a while; it's a risk indeed, but it may be the best thing that ever happens to you.

rowan said...

I require more time and very little mis-steps in order to really trust... and then I start telling them the worst things about me to see if they will run or not. Weird huh?